Panic at the Pandemonium: The Record Champions are on the way
As profound connoisseur of German football, you probably felt mislead by this headline. But don´t worry, no Bavarian moneybags around here, only beautiful black and yellow as far as the eye can see. This is just not the preview to a regular Bundesliga fixture: We´re talking indoor soccer here. And the undisputed king of German indoor soccer with a record of 4 wins at the German Indoor Masters is of course the mighty BV Borussia of Dortmund.
So it was just another proof of our arch-rival´s foolishness, when they chose to replace the eyesore at the Autobahn 2 called Pack Stadium with a gym in 2001. A news much celebrated in Dortmund, when it reached town, as everyone assumed, that the representatives of ugliness in the beautiful game had finally given in and chosen a more appropriate pastime like floor exercises or rhythmic gymnastics. But then it turned out, that their real plan was, to start an indoor league on their own, to end an eternity without championship trophies once and for all. As the club, whose name shall not sully these beautiful pages, is notoriously skint, they ran out of budget, before the roof of the gym could be built. But BVB rogue agent “Cheroot-Rudi” Assauer, who was still on his undercover sabotage mission at the time, was never short on innovative ideas. “Let´s just dump the left over plastic wrapping on this shithole”, he told the gaffer, “We´ll just call it Arena and the locals will believe it´s Circus Maximus”.
But the DFB would not fall for the fake roof, because indoor soccer is a winter sport and it was obvious, that the foil would not withstand even the slightest bit of snowfall. Finally, the devious club was forced to become the first indoor soccer team, to start in Bundesliga. The decision, to withdraw the permission for the one team indoor championship, was proven right this January , when 5cm of powder snow were enough, to perforate the plastic foil and 150sqm of the “roof” collapsed. So for a couple of weeks, it was possible for visitors of this unholy place, to actually get a scent of watching real football. Since the gym has been finished, the traditional Ruhrpott-derby is only played once a year at Westfalenstadion, because indoor soccer just does not know any real derbies. Maybe in a couple of decades, indoor soccer will have its own traditions, but it seems more likely, that the gym experiment of Herne-West will be buried in oblivion, long before that happens.
The high hopes of Borussia´s followers, that the record indoor champion would dominate the gym on its visits, were hardly ever fulfilled. It seems as if the advantage, of playing indoors regularly, weighs too heavy in favour of F.C. Perjury, as BVB has only won once in eight games so far underneath the plastic tent and reached four draws. In 2005, after overcoming the immediate threat of financial ruin, Borussia won 2:1, when Champions League legend Lars “Lupfen” Ricken scored the decisive goal after a great assist by Florian “What the f... made me go to Berlin?” Kringe. Not many players of the winning line-up remain in the current squad. Only Cerberus Roman Weidenfeller, who was fantastic on that day, Dede and skipper Sebastian Kehl, scorer of the 1:0 are the last relics. While Dede seems to have lost his place on the pitch to Marcel Schmelzer for the moment, Roman is certain to play on Friday. But Sebastian Kehl might be seeking further match practice at our reserve´s fixture against Carl Zeiss Jena (which was scheduled for Friday but cancelled today).
Strange things occur in the unspoken jerkwater town since the signing of team manager Felix Magath. Even though the financial situation of the club is believed to be rather grim, not only did they sign Magath and his €10m per annum staff, but he was also allowed, to imply the hire and fire concept, with which he had boosted the Volkswagen backed Wolfsburg to national champions.
The club, that had to sell parts of the gym to the municipal energy supplier and fix future earnings as security for bank loans and seemed to slide into the abyss, after missing the European Cup last season, transferred 14 players so far this season. On the other hand, only 8 left the club, among them two of the summer purchases, Hanzel and €3m talent Holtby, who were loaned out in winter. It seems obvious, that club boss Clemens “Slaughterer of Rheda” Tönnies has reached deep into his pockets to finance the 37 man squad and the expensive management team.
Although the news on the financial front have been rather slow lately, as the unattractive football, that Medicine Ball Martinet Magath squeezes out of his frightened players, has shown undeniable results on the score sheet, there are still a lot of people in Dortmund, sitting tight with a crate of beer and some bags of crisps, waiting for further developments in that area. The widespread hopes for our rival´s financial failure could be fired, if they miss a place in the Champions League qualifiers. And of course the best way, to keep them out, is to take their current 3rd position from them. While this is not possible on Friday, as the Critters lead us by 6 points at the moment, an important step towards them could be made. As coach Klopp put it: “If we win over there, they will start to feel us, breathing down their necks”.
The yellow parade trying to bring some light to the cheerless town, will be followed by roughly 6.000 supporters, some of them travelling by fan organised buses directly from the Westfalenstadion to the gym, to evade the usual warm baton welcome, local authorities have in store for their visitors.
Coach Klopp has gained some more options in offence with the recovery of Tamas Hajnal, who had a remarkable half hour on the field against Hanover and played 90 minutes with the reserve at Unterhaching one day later. His biggest concern will be how to replace goal-getter Lucas “La Pantera” Barrios, who was booked for the fifth time last week. He could either opt for Nelson Valdez, who scored against Hanover or bring Hajnal in offensive midfield and move Zidan forward.
Pharaoh Mo Zidan is our lucky charm for Friday, as he has scored the 1:1 equaliser at the gym last season. Apart from the long-term absentees like Feulner or Rangelov everybody else seems to be fit to play, though “Uwe” Owomoyela has missed two days of training due to a cold and Damien Le Tallec had some minor problems with the adductors.
Felix Magath has a wide range of players, to choose from, as team captain Heiko Westermann has recovered five weeks after his meniscus surgery. He will rely on the defensive stability, his team has shown all season and the lucky streak of Nationalmannschaft deserter “Nutella-Kevin” Kuranyi. Our defence will have to deal with many long passes towards quick strikers Farfan and Sanchez, who will try to get the ball to Kuranyi in the centre. Our offence should keep well away of right defender Ratinha´s elbows, which always seem to find his opponents head in ways, invisible to the referee. But if our team works together as good, as they did in Munich for most of the game and take the presumably few chances, they will get, the desperately awaited first victory in five years for record indoor champion BVB at the gym should not be out of reach.
Finally and as always let´s hope that all our players and supporters come back from the Pandemonium unharmed and without bans for future games, as we will need our full capacity on and off the pitch, to achieve our dream of playing international next season.
Record Champions:
Weidenfeller (Indoor-Derbywinner) – Owomoyela, Hummels, Subotic, Schmelzer (Dede [Indoor-Derbywinner]) – Bender, Sahin, Großkreutz, Kuba, Zidan (Hajnal) – Valdez (Zidan)
Trophy Allergy Sufferers:
Neuer – Ratinha, Bordon, Höwedes (Westermann), Schmitz – Matip, Kluge (Westermann), Rakitic – Farfan, Sanchez, Kuranyi
Web, 25.02.2010
